It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged, to be honest I’ve been really struggling and not feeling up to blogging or doing much really. People will have you believe that grief gets better over time but that isn’t happening. I really thought I was doing ok and starting to gain some of myself back but the last couple of weeks have sent me downwards again.
I went to a friend’s wedding, and although I had prepared myself for the fact it was the first big occasion that Oscar should be going to, and wouldn’t be, I hadn’t thought about all the other things that were likely to be hard. Someone in our group of friends is pregnant, and as I stood at the bar she was behind me having her bump admired and being asked everything about her pregnancy. I just wanted to run. I also hadn’t thought about being surrounded by happiness and people having a good time, it is one of the worst feelings to be surrounded by that but feeling nothing similar inside.
When we checked into our hotel room, which we had booked when Oscar was still in my tummy, there in front of us was a cot. After a short while we left and asked them to remove the cot but whilst we were in the room I just stared at the cot imaging Oscar there. Almost as if I imagined it enough it would happen.
After leaving the hotel room, I soon had to come back, in the space of being away from everyone people had suddenly got a lot louder and happier. I returned to the room and cried my heart out. A friend came in and sat with me, she has never seen me in that state before and hasn’t seen me cry for Oscar, in a way I’m glad she saw it. It may sound silly but people don’t see how much we hurt and sometimes they need to.
The good thing about the wedding, and our lifeline that day, was a couple we had met before on a few occasions, and we always knew they were lovely but we hadn’t seen them for a few years. They have lost babies too and without anything needing to be said they stuck by our side and kept us going. When everyone else was inside in the warm, they stayed with us outside and just knew what we needed. I will be so eternally grateful for their support that day.
It’s since the wedding that I’ve lost something in me, but I don’t want to go downwards, I want to keep stepping upwards. I’ve been taking antidepressants for a month now with no affect, tomorrow I’m going back to the doctor to look at them again. I’ve also set myself the goal of applying for a voluntary position today to try and bring some structure back to fill the emptiness.
Just keep swimming.